we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
