Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
