Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
