You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
