bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
