Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
