My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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