I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
