So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
