The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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