Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Still dying that you shit outside
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
