Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Randomize
