Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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