Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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