If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
