So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
