Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
it was like eating out sand paper
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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