My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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