she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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