So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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