Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
