I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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