Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
