At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
