Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
