hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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