She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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