Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
