I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
