It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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