Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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