need another drink. this is the easiest way
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
