I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
