She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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