I just pynch a tree in the face
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
