first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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