I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
