Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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