I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
