I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
