four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Still dying that you shit outside
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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