I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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