he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
