I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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