i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
