6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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