just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
