you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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