This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
