My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
